My maternity leave is over. For the second time in my life the little family bubble we made had to get broken. Tom and I couldn’t stay insulated with our child any longer (we were so lucky to have the time we did). I haven’t been able to write about it because I have such mixed feelings. I’m happy to be back at work, I’m heartbroken to have to leave Hazel. That’s the simplest breakdown of how I feel. The more complex version is that leaving Hazel everyday feels like a violent, catastrophic tearing of my heart. But that violent event is good and necessary to support my family, and I feel lucky to have a job that I enjoy and am good at.
When Tommy Jr was born my heart went through so many changes. Meeting him made it grow ten times its size, trying to care for him tore it apart, watching him die softened then scarred it. As that scar healed I changed a lot. I lost a lot of my laughter and my ability to sympathize with people. I feel harder now, more serious. Sometimes it is harder to push my feelings into words.
This is one of those times. I don’t know what to say, other than I don’t know exactly what to say right now.
I know exactly how you feel. I just went back to work last Monday and even though I had 12 weeks of maternity leave it just doesn’t seem like enough. I wanted to stay on my little island with my hubby and son and just love on them forever. Now I leave him (thankfully with my mom) every day to go out and help support my family. And like you I love my job but I miss my baby terribly. I can only hope it gets better for the both of us.
(((hugs)))
I’m tearing up because I’m right there with you.
I just hugged and kissed my awesome hubby and little ones goodbye and got on a flight to NYC for a two day work trip. I THINK it gets easier but i’m not even sure if thats true. Being a mom is hard man. X