Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I have a pretty serious addiction to cheese flavor. Cheez-its, Cheese Nips, Cheetos, Cheese Goldfish Crackers, anything yellow and labeled “Cheese” really. Actual cheese is ok, but the flavored stuff is what gets me.

 

My question is: what exactly do they use to make that flavor? Also, I’m assuming it’s nutritious, can you confirm that?

 

Yours Truly,
I’m Eating Cheez-Its right now.

 

Dear I’m Eating,
I’m sorry, I cannot confirm that cheese flavor is nutritious. It’s all relative though, right? General Mills make Fruit Loops fortified with Calcium and Fiber so it can be called nutritious. I’m not sure how great of shape you’d be in if you substituted cereal for any natural sources of calcium and fiber. I sort of did that in college, but not on purpose. And instead of fortified cereal I ate Mr Goodbars and Cool Ranch Doritos. I usually slept about 15 hours a day, if that’s any indication of healthfulness.

 

Interestingly, the ingredients used to make flavor powder are not readily available on the internet. This make me a little suspicious. It also makes me tired, because I scrolled through about 50 pages of Google searches.

 

My non-medical recommendation is to try and curb your addiction in favor of moderation. Unfortunately I know all too well how difficult moderation is…I’m more of a saturation-til-you-want-to-barf-at-the-sight-of-it kind of person. But you can always try. And keep trying. And then try again.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

5 Common Misconceptions About Valentines Day

 

1. Valentines Day is a holiday made up by greeting card companies and chocolate manufacturers to encourage consumerism. Actually it was invented by Communists to infiltrate greeting cards and use them in an elaborate system to deliver secrets to Moscow.

 

2. St. Valentine is an actual person to whom the day is dedicated. In fact, Valentine was the name of Charlie Chaplin’s dog- who could do back flips and bark out the words “I Love You”. He stole the hearts of the nation, and thus was honored by Valentines Day.

 

3. The red and pink hearts of Valentines Day represent love. Actually they represent the success of 20th century organ transplants.

 

4. The chubby little baby with wings is Cupid. How I wish that were true. That baby is actually a representation of the apocalypse, as seen by his threatening stance and weapons cache.

 

5. Valentines Day is for lovers. In fact Valentines Day started out as a way to honor the hatred between feuding families of the wild west.

In anticipation of my future status as a celebrity, I’ve decided to adopt the following changes (effective immediately):

 

1. My signature cocktail will henceforth be a starfruit martini. If one cannot be obtained I will freak out.

 

2. My signature wardrobe piece will a body suit trims in either ermine or gold thread.

 

3. My signature hair-do will be a deep widows peak plucked into my hairline. Although my hair style will follow the latest trend, the deep widows peak will remain, reminding people of my awesome power and intelligence.

 

4. I will use the words whilst, heretofore, whom, thou and thee regardless if I’m doing so in a grammatically correct manner. My usage in fact, will immediately changed the grammatical rules.

 

5. I will complain loudly about having to do any typical human activities, such as: brushing my teeth, drinking water, using my fingers to type (I’m bitching as I type this), walking, sitting, standing, breathing, and listening to others. As my celebrity status blooms I will find lackeys to do these activities for me.

 

Thats is all.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

How do the ads on Facebook know so much about me? It’s freaking me out. They say stuff like “Check out what shoes other 31 year-olds love!!” HOW does it know I’m 31 and that I love shoes?

 

Signed,
Weirded Out

 

Dear Weirded Out,
You have to start thinking about Facebook like McCarthyism. Things you did in your past, facts about you, relationships- both familial and interpersonal- are all subject to scrutiny. You can’t change the fact that you joined Facebook- even erasing your account doesn’t guarantee the return of your personal information. It has become a social networking Junta. What you thought was a fun way to keep up with your college friends has taken over. You are forced to adjust to irritating format changes and a constant barrage of stupid applications.

 

But you can’t get out. Where else are you go to go through your acquaintances pictures while you pretend to be paying attention to conference calls? You’re in it. We’re all in it now.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

 

An Open Letter To The Cab Drivers In Chicago

 

Dear Cab Drivers,

 

I know many of you are good people, even conscientious drivers. But in my long experience, the majority of you drive like the wild west meets paparazzi meets driving school for the blind. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

 

I understand that it has to be challenging to drive for 12 hours at a time, often carting drunk douche bags from bar to bar. I can’t imagine how difficult a Friday or Saturday night shift in Lincoln Park must be. The thing is that I live downtown, and work downtown, and I’m polite and a good tipper and never barf in a cab or anything.

 

So here’s what I’m asking (and I think it’s a small request):

 

When I hail a cab after a snow storm, do you think it would be possible to pull up PAST any huge snowbanks? That way I can enter your cab without climbing through a pile of snow. Also, then I wouldn’t be staring at the back of your head thinking of swearwords while you drive me to the eye doctor. Or wherever. I don’t know if the typical cabbie move of pulling up so the passenger door is directly in front of a snow bank is a passive aggressive retaliation for all the bullshit you’ve had to endure last Saturday night, or if you don’t realize it, or what. But my idea is please, please let’s change the way we do things now. Together we can make this city a less annoying place to live.

 

Also, if it’s not too much to ask, since I’m paying for the gas premium and all, could you stop racing to the red light and slamming on your breaks? If there’s some hidden advantage to driving like that then pardon my complaints. My suspicion though, is that your just wildly sick of driving.
I get it, I sympathize with you. I just want to keep my never-barfing-in-a-cab-record clean.

 

Thanks a lot.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I was recently at bar for my good friend’s birthday party, and one of her friends who I had taken out on a date about 6 months ago was also in attendance. We had a great time on our date, so I thought, but for some reason we didn’t go on another.

 

I hadn’t seen her since we went out, and I was trying to strike up some small talk with her about a play I had just seen (she works for the company who produced it) when she abruptly stops our conversation. She puts her hand on my shoulder and says “Look at the person on your left.” I look, it’s my roommate. She continues “that’s who you’re going home with tonight.” I playfully suggest that he’s probably going home with his girlfriend. She says “then look to the person on your right.” Nobody is there. With a snarky look she quips “that’s right,” and snaps her head around and walks away.

 

I’m left there sort of confused and completely sand-bagged, wondering why this bitch be trippin’. To get one thing out of the way, I definitely was not trying to flirt with her. And for the record, I had treated her to a really nice dinner and a hilarious comedy show on our date.

 

I may see her again at an upcoming function thrown by our mutual friend. How should I handle any future encounters?

Sincerely,

Wondering Why This Bitch be Trippin’

 

Dear Wondering,
Based on the follow up encounter you had, it sounds like you dodged a bullet by not calling this ho. “That’s who you’re going home with tonight”? Snap.

 

Well, here are a couple of important things to note: a) This girl would definitely do sexy times on you if you want. All it would take is one phone call and a short series of put-downs/compliment cycles. Crazy girls love that; it makes them horny to be jerked around. b) This girl’s version of reality is never going to sync up with your version of reality, so you should just get used to taking a vacation to crazy town when she’s around. Don’t worry, anyone who knows her already knows that she’s dumb/crazy/annoying/horny so you don’t have to worry about your street cred.

 

In the future, you have to come out of the gate swinging. It’s important to be hyper-aggressive when you’re in uncomfortable social situations. When you see her, charge up to her and say “Thanks for using me for a good time, then not even having the courtesy to call me after our date. Really, I expected a lot more from a girl like you.” Then look down at your hands, and shuffle your feet back and forth. When she tries to reply, keep interrupting her and just say “I was hurt. I was really hurt. You used me” until she’s noticeably worn down. If you can whip up some tears to really make a scene, I say go for it. There is nothing wrong with causing a scene to stick it to someone.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

10 Things I Wonder About Chimps:

 

1. Why can’t they speak English? Or French at least?

 

2. Aren’t they afraid of their feet and genitals always being exposed? Especially when they’re swinging all around? It seems dangerous.

 

3. Why do they love smoking cigarettes?

 

4. What’s the big deal about bananas? I hate bananas.

 

5. Can they grow out the hair on their head or is it naturally short?

 

6. They seem to like dressing up when they live with humans, but not in the wild. If you left a bunch of clothes unattended in the wild would chimps naturally wear them?

 

7. When they’re not eating or sleeping or procreating, do they wish they could read? Or play guitar?

 

8. If they could fly flight simulators in “Project X” could they learn how to drive cars? I bet they’d be decent drivers.

 

9. Is there a chimp union in Hollywood? If not, is that something I could get started or would that be seen as exploitative?

 

10. We all know that chimps are known to wage war. But you don’t often hear about chimp hippies, or chimp love-ins. Is this another media-conspiracy?

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
Ok that’s it. THAT IS IT. I’m officially giving up air travel. The ticket prices are high, the fees are insulting, the airline attendants are mean, and there’s no free food!

 

So that decision has been made. I won’t budge. The problem is I live in New York City and have to travel frequently for work. usually to DC or Philadelphia, but also frequently to San Francisco. I haven’t looked into it yet, but I suspect the train ride from New York City to California is pretty long.

 

My boss thinks I’m putting foot down to get out of traveling. Obviously that’s not true. I’m just sick of being mistreated. How can I prove to her that I’m committed to my job without budging on my new stance?
Signed,
Missing Zeppelins

 

Dear Missing Zeppelins,
I am completely on your side. With email, cell phones, video conferencing and Skype, why should you have to travel for work so much anyway? I understand once or twice a year to put in good face time, but that should be more than sufficient in combination with our modern technology. It’s just so archaic to be slobbing back and forth from airport to airport. What is this, mid-18th century Russia?

 

Anyway, if zeppelins had caught on as a popular mode of transportation the service would be just as crappy as airplanes. You know it would start with everyone getting vodka martinis and ham sandwiches, then two years later you’d get a glass of non-potable water and a salt tablet.

 

Maybe you can tell you boss that you’re willing to meet her half way. You’ll travel a certain number of times, but hope that she’ll be understanding and let you do video conferences for the less important meetings. When she sees that video conference is an effective and less expensive option, hopefully she’ll come around to your side.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
As an on-the-go American, I cannot tell you how many times I’ve found myself fumbling with a traditional ketchup packet. Where can I squeeze out the condiment? How can I get my large fingers to open the packet?

 

Thank you Heinz! Now I’ve got an easy open packet with room to dip!

 

When do you think this will be available for mayonnaise? What other inventions do you see in the future that could improve my non-stationary eating habits?

 

Signed,
On The Go

 

Dear On The Go,
Heinz sure is at the forefront of condiment innovation. They’ve come up with this idea only 37 years after the first ketchup packet hit the scene. That is an unsubstantiated historical fact of course but the point is I’m being sarcastic. Anyone who’s been a road trip knows the time for a reinvented ketchup packet is long over due.

 

That being said, I am eager to see other innovations arise from this. For instance:

 

-Soda in a tube (spill proof)

 

-Pizza in a tube (spill proof)

 

-Mayonnaise solid singles (like American cheese but with solid mayo)

 

-Non-finger-staining Cheetos, Doritos (Nacho cheese and Cool Ranch flavor), and Cheese Puffs

 

-Combos (original and pizza flavor) with built in laxatives (hours on the road can funk up your digestive system)

 

And more! The possibilities are endless! Food science companies shouldn’t rest until they have found us the quickest and easiest way to consume massive amount of calories.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I get frequent headaches and the only way I can cure them is by smoking cigarettes. Also, I get stomach aches and the only way I can cure them is by smoking cigarettes. Oh, also I get anxious and the only way I can cure that is by smoking cigarettes.

 

As you can plainly see I’m not a smoker, I just have medical condition that require a nicotine cure. My family and friends won’t get off my back. They act like because I smoke around 20 cigarettes a day I’m just a smoker.

 

I feel like no one understands me.

 

Signed,
Natural Cure

 

Dear Natural Cure,
Your sincerity is notable, but I’m afraid I have to side with you friends and family on this one. What you’re describing reminds me of the story about how Jerry Stahl started smoking crack to get off of heroin. It’s good to try different methods to cure your ailments but maybe you want to stay away from ones that are addictive and probably fatal.

 

Look, sometimes it’s not useful to attach labels to everything we do. I understand your objection to being called “a smoker”. So let’s start by abandoning the title, and just deal with the activity.

 

Smoking 20 cigarettes a day for your various ailments is enough to warrant seeking alternative help. Like a Chinese herbalist, and acupuncturist, or a psychiatrist. You have isolated your issues, and your loved ones have raised objections to your coping mechanisms…sometimes it is a good idea to listen to your family. Why don’t you make a list of five alternative treatments that you’d feel comfortable seeking, then call one of your friends or family members and ask for their input. If you get other people on board, it’s usually easier to make life changes.

 

Good luck, I know you can do it!

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me