Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I’m almost 35 and looking for a big change in my life.

 

Recently I moved to Tennessee and have gotten more familiar with the debutant culture down here. I love it! It’s so pointlessly lovely. It’s so unnecessarily extravagant!

 

Am I too old to get in on the debutant thing? I’m willing to diet and take poise and diction classes. I think the wedding dress from my first marriage could come in handy too.

 

Sincerely,
Nice Day For A Debutant Ball

 

Dear Nice Day,
Um, gosh. Errr. This is a difficult subject for me to approach objectively. Let’s see, how can I put this? Oh! Here you go…if you want unnecessary extravagance and expensive outfits, why don’t you just join a country club? That way when you come out the other side of what I hope is just a stage in your life, you won’t have a box full of pictures like the one above. Instead, you’ll know how to play golf and tennis.

 

Knowing how to walk with a book on your head will only get you so far in life, but knowing how to play a kick ass game of golf may allow you entry into a part of the business world that other girls can only dream of.

 

I don’t want to keep you from following your dream, I just want to point out that maybe what you need can be fulfilled in a more modern socially acceptable way. Plus, country clubs usually have pools.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I’d like to raise a serious objection to the old adage “Whoever smelt it dealt it”. I think this is just another coercive device to keep people from ratting you out when you pass gas. I’m declaring publicly, through your website, that I’m adhering to it no more! From now I will not fear being accused of dealing it just because I smelt it first!

 

I was in a crowded theater Saturday night, and someone was dealing up a constant buffet of personal odors. I didn’t have the guts to stage whisper: WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS NIGHTMARE OF SMELLS. I didn’t want to cast guilt upon myself. But I’m changing my ways, starting now!

 

What do you think about that?

 

Yours,
I’m My Own Man, and My Own Dealer

 

Dear Dealer,
I think this is one of the most profound things that I have ever read. You are so right. Let us not be intimidated by those trying to implicate us in their own smelly dealings when we are just trying to live an honest and open life. Let us not be afraid to confront foul odorists and criminals and wrong doers because we don’t want to rock the boat.

 

Your experience in that theater taught us all an important lesson. Well, two important lessons:

 

1. Be true to oneself. You can be polite and discreet, but do not doubt your instincts.

 

2. Don’t have an exotic, spicy or garlicky meal before you’re going to sit in a crowded theater. I had to watch Avatar sitting next to a guy with sausage burps. It really took away from the movie and I had to sit through the whole damn three hours with a scarf wrapped around my face.

 

It is important to be compassionate toward people who are suffering gastro-intestinally. But I think if we are being motivated by kindness and a sense of societal duty, it is possible to recognize and address a smell without fear of self-incrimination.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
Why is it when I call customer service centers to complain about crabby service or a crabby product, the person always says “I’m sorry for your inconvenience”? Is that supposed to make me feel better?

 

I don’t want an apology, I want the situation rectified. Barring that, I’d like something for free. Is that too much to ask?

 

Are there a lot of people out there falling for the ole apology? Because they’re mucking it up for the rest of us.
Signed,
Nice Try, Comcast

 

Dear Nice Try, Comcast,
According to the Department of Labor, by 2014 four out of every five jobs in American will belong in the service sector. Of course that encompasses a lot of different kinds of services, including teaching and health services. But I can’t help but be disturbed by the notion that our the majority of our economy will be based on services yet it feels like the service people I encounter tend to be wildly apathetic, bored, or aggressive.

 

I got into a yelling match with a customer service lady at Macy’s because she had no idea what “mismatched” meant. As in: “I bought these sheets and when I opened the package they were mismatched” She replied: “I have no idea what that means”. I didn’t know what part of the complaint she was referring too. Sheets? Package? Opened? No, after a 15 minute back and forth we realized she was stuck at “mismatched”. This was a relatively articulate native English speaker. Mismatched was apparently not covered in the service employee handbook.

 

I’m not bitter, I’m concerned. I’m concerned that “I apologize for your inconvenience” has somehow replaced any intention to deliver adequate service. Have the suits at Comcast- or AT&T, or Macy’s or any other place we spend our money- just decided that actually servicing people is too expensive but apologies are free and thus will suffice?

 

You know what they say: put your apologies in one hand and shit in the other and see one fills up first. Actually that’s what I want to say to customer service people who offer me apologies but no solution to rectify my dissatisfaction. But I won’t say it! Not only because I don’t have the guts, but because I’m holding out for hope!

 

Do people actually fall for the apology? Yes, indeed they do. Because sometimes you know thats as good as it’s going to get. So you open your mind and your heart, remember it’s not the person on the phone’s fault that they work for a crap company, and you accept the small personal gift they give you. Well it’s not exactly personal, but if you shut your eyes and use your imagination you can think of it as a small step towards making things a little bit better. Then you have to write a stern but polite letter.

 

Write letters people! If we don’t put our unhappiness in writing how will anyone ever know! Message boards count too, but there is something so thrilling about complaining on a piece of stationary and sending it out into the world with a stamp. And that apology for your inconvenience should be like a gentle push to get you to take pen in hand and believe that you can make a change.

 

I’ve got a new set of sheets on their way from Macy’s. I’m not sure that this set won’t be mismatched, but I’m going to stay hopeful.
Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

 

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I have a big date this weekend and I’m really nervous. The girl keeps saying she wants to do something “crazy” and “different”.

 

I get she doesn’t want to just go to a bar. And I get that dinner and a movie doesn’t count as crazy. So now I’m out of ideas.

 

Could you throw a dog a bone?

 

-Good Impression is Imperative

 

Dear G.I.I.I.,
Here are some great ideas for your date:

 

-Go to the Scientology center near you and take their personality test. Try to withstand being recruited.

 

-Go to a sporting event and challenge each other to run onto the field.

 

-Panhandle and see who gets the most money in a given time period.

 

-Go to Medieval Times, bring Lean Cuisines, insist that microwaves have been around since the 13th Century.

 

-Go to a comedy open mic and make jokes about how lame she is, thus lowering her self-esteem and endearing her to you.

 

Any of these idea will show her that you are a creative dater, and probably a creative lover. It’ll be the craziest night she’s ever had…or the most insulting if you do the open mic.

 

Good Luck!

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I’ve been watching this show on HGTV called “International House Hunters”. Basically it’s rich people trying to find kick ass houses in awesome places like Spain and Costa Rica.

 

I think my bitterness about living in the freezing cold Midwest is starting to overwhelm me, because I’ve started to have this disturbing urge. I’ve been secretly writing the new home owners hate mail. I haven’t been successful at finding any addresses yet, because I can tell that’s like jumping off the crazy cliff.

 

Or is it? I like in a 600 square foot apartment.

 

Signed,
Cramped and Bitter

 

Dear Cramped and Bitter,
I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you- but you can’t believe everything you see on TV. Do you really think all the kids on Jersey Shore are like that in real life? I happen to know for a fact (through the rumor mill) that The Situation is working on his PHD from M.I.T. in robotics and is using this experience to show his review panel that he has acting skills in addition to his prowess in math and science. Nobody is that hateable in real life.

 

Let’s assume that the people on your “International House Hunters” show are just actors being used by desperate real estate agents to drum up interest for homes that are probably unsellable due to their proximity to a howler monkey refuge. They never’t show you the howler moneys. Or the enraged parrot colonies that attack you when you’re sipping a glass of Pinot Grigio on your lanai.

 

Also, good for you for realizing that your instinct to send hate mail is something you should seek help for. I wish I had realized that before Sandra Bullock started a lawsuit against me for my self published book “Why Sandra Bullock Is Totally Overrated: She’s Not Even Cute”

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I hope that this doesn’t fall on deaf ears. Everyone thinks that guys with mustaches have it all, and by most accounts, they are right. There are a few areas where we are continually short-changed and I hope you can get this out to the masses.

 

I have a healthy mustache and of course a good career, so I don’t need extra income but I still like to model my mustache for others to enjoy. Ever since this new “mustache explosion” my services are in higher demand. All too often though, I go to a casting call and lose out to a guy with a fake mustache who will take a lower paycheck for the job.

 

As you can probably imagine, I organized a trade union and we are boycotting the advertisers that use these so-called “mustachioed” men, but people keep crossing our picket lines. If we were Teamsters, this would not be happening.

 

I just wish that guys that wear T-Shirts like the one in this photo would heed their own message.

 

Please Help,
Thick and Long

 

Dear Thick and Long,
I had no idea this was such a problem, thank you for bringing it to my attention. It’s easy to assume that people with lush facial hair have it all- I mean think of all the bearded ladies just livin’ it up on a carny’s salary!

 

I did hear a story on This American Life (which was later made into a movie) about Santas with real beards. They were so sick of fake bearded Santas stealing their jobs that they formed a union: the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas. Later, of course, the group was plagued by in-fighting and eventually broke into warring factions. That’s how much passion the real bearded Santas have!

 

In the meantime, why don’t you take a cue from the Real Beards and organize? You have rights! You have power (in a way)! My roommate wears a mustache sometimes and we get away with all kinds of illegal nonsense because cops just assume he’s either one of them, or some kind of mustachioed vigilante. You should see where he parks his car when he’s sporting that monster!

 

I’m sure that someone will pick up this story of your mustache angst and make a film about it. Maybe not a feature, but definitely a short film.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

10 Feelings I Frequently Have While Reading People Magazine:

 

1. Smug-I am reading this publication to be ironic…not because I actually care.

 

2. Self-Loathing- I actually care about this stuff.

 

3. Inspired- I like those pet stories and the articles about heroes.

 

4. Intellectual- I can read People and Thomas Pynchon. Well I never actually finished Gravity’s Rainbow but I own it…

 

5. Exasperated- I know the real way these people got beach bodies and it doesn’t have anything to do with Pilates. The girls inject horse urine and the guys do ‘roids. Duh.

 

6. Hopeless- for the future of society.

 

7. Impressed- by how often I’ll read the “Celebrities are just like you!” section. It turns out, celebrities are not just like me. They’re never shown lying on the couch watching reruns of King of The Hill and eating Andies Candies.

 

8. Worried- That I may actually be making myself dumber by reading People. I’d probably be better off binge drinking.

 

9. Curious- About how these stories compare to the current issue of The National Enquirer.

 

10. Positive- That purchasing People magazine will hurt my chances of running for political office in the future. The people will tolerate a lot, but will surely draw the line at an unhealthy obsession with tabloids.

Sometimes you come across a work of art that is so creative, so inspiring, so groundbreaking that it transcends it’s genre. This tattoo makes all other tattoos seem completely pointless. Once this gentleman got this body art, everyone else might as well have their tribal bands and ankle roses lasered off. Nothing can compete.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

What’s the deal with Mount Rushmore? I’ve never been there but I’m suddenly really curious about it Who put it there? Can we expect other giant sculptures of beloved icons, like Madonna and Richard Gere?

 

Curiously,
Art Lover

 

Dear Art Lover,

 

Mount Rushmore was built both as a tribute to our nation’s heros as well as a way to awe and inspire people. It was a controversial use of public funds approved by Congress to impress the public. Like the Cash for Clunkers bill. Heeeeyooooooo!!

 

But seriously folks, I think that as the economy continues to smell, we can expect a Mount Rushmore copycat project.

 

My idea is to use art to celebrate the racial and cultural diversity of our nation’s celebrities. So, from left to right we can expect to see:
James Earl Jones

 

Jackie Chan

 

Kal Penn (From the Harold and Kumar movies)

 

Bette Midler

 

I know that you’re thinking you’d like to see one with Dolly Parton, Cher, Elton John and Celine Dion. That would be pretty sweet too. But trust me, the diversity thing will attract way more people. Mount Rushmore has like 2 million visitors a year so the next big thing has to be pretty awesome. I was thinking it should be built in Michigan, to help revive the economy there. As soon as I find a sculptor who’s worthy of the project I’m going to email Barack Obama. He still emails me all the time from the election so I assume it’ll be a breeze to get this thing shovel ready.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me