Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

Have you seen the ads for the new McDonald’s Big Mac Snack Wrap? I saw it the other night and have had this really unsettled, vomity feeling ever since.

 

Is this a snack for people who can’t take the time to eat a burger? Or is it for people who can’t afford the actual burger? I just can’t figure out why anyone would create or consume such a thing.

 

Please lend some insight if possible. I can’t sleep.

 

Signed,
Disturbed.

 

Dear Disturbed,

 

The Big Mac Snack Wrap and the Taco Bell Diet both made me feel like I should join a church after all. If these aren’t two of the four horsemen of the apocalypse I’ll be a monkey’s uncle (I was going to say “I’ll be damned” but don’t want to risk it).

 

I was also was tipped off that an evil presence was behind both concepts because the commercials made sense. If a Taco Bell Diet and a burger wrapped in a tortilla make sense to you, you know that you’ve been gripped my the devil. Or his non-religious equivalent.

 

But to answer your question: I think the Snackwrap is targeted towards people who want a calorie dense snack they can eat with one hand. The most important thing about fast food these days is that you can eat it with one hand, keeping the other hand free for driving, surfing the internet, talking on the phone, or smoking. Even the Taco Bell Diet food selection is primarily one handed.

 

I wish I could tell you it’s no big deal; a Big Mac Snackwrap should be personally threatening to you. But this time I think it’s right to feel threatened and scared.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

 

10 Types of Stories That You May Start Telling But I Probably Won’t Finish Listening To (Exceptions Noted):

 

1. Your long detailed dream (unless it was a sex dream involving me)

 

2. Your horoscope or anything about your astrological sign.

 

3. How you are such a superstar and rose to the top of your company in no time (I do however, enjoy stories about failing upwards)

 

4. Anything about “Twilight” or “Harry Potter” (unless it’s “Who the hell cares about Twilight or Harry Potter?”).

 

5. The details of the latest movie you saw/book you read when I haven’t seem/read it and tell you that immediately.

 

6. How your dog likes to ride in the car or how your cat likes to wake you up in the morning. That’s what ALL dogs and cats do people!

 

7. What makes your child’s school exceptional (unless it involves celebrities or fine food in the cafeteria).

 

8. Anything involving the word “episiotomy”.

 

9. The rising or falling value of your home (unless I ever become a homeowner, then I’ll have to reevaluate this point.)

 

10. How sick you are of being hit on by members of the opposite sex. Yes, yes, we get it, you’re hot.

Dear Readers,

 

Please be sure to take a moment to donate any amount you can to the dozens of noteworthy organizations that are trying to aide the people of Haiti.

 

Below you can find Google’s link to support disaster relief in Haiti. Remember that any amount you can donate will help relieve the terrible suffering in Haiti.

 

http://www.google.com/relief/haitiearthquake/

 

Thank you.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

My vision started going after age 45. I can’t read a watch anymore- the numbers are too small and I can’t hold my arm far enough away from my face to see it!

 

Not only am I sad to retire my many fine novelty watches- Mickey Mouse, Bart Simpson, dozens of Swatches- but I also feel nervous about time measurement.

 

I’m not (yet) willing to go Flava Flav, are there any other options for me?

 

Love,
Older But On Time

 

Dear O.B.O.T.,

 

I’m so happy to hear that you’re not willing to wear a full-sized wall clock around you neck. That indicates that while you’re open to creative solutions, you still have your wits about you. Flava Flave’s reality-TV comeback was really dangerous to both our impressionable youth and older loved ones. I had to stop my grampa from having a gold grill made for god’s sake! It’s a cultural sickness.

 

I recommend using your cell phone, a digital watch, or a time piece that speaks the time. You can still wear your novelty watches for fashion, but use a practical method to actually tell time. After all, warm weather doesn’t stop Floridians from wearing their Looney Toons jackets.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

Did you ever wonder if the REAL Communist was Joe McCarthy? I have this book at home called “What Ifs? Of American History” and there’s an essay in it about how maybe all that anti-communist hysteria was drummed up to help the Russians keep the Cold War going. It got me thinking…

 

Maybe Sarah Palin is really a hippie Rhodes Scholar who loves peace and the wilderness?

 

Yours,
Hoping

 

Dear Hoping,
Um, nuh uh. No, sorry.

 

The odds of me becoming President of Russia are higher than Sarah Palin loving peace and wilderness. It’s more likely that I will explode and set off another big bang that will create a new universse than Palin scoring well on the written drivers test, let alone being a Rhodes Scholar. I appreciate your optimism though.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

Why are people consistently such idiots on conference calls? I’ve worked at a lot of places with a lot of different kind of people but one thing is always the same: there is always at least one complete idiot on every conference call.

 

What’s so hard about it? Keep quiet until some one asks a question, then answer said question. You just have to think of it like a real meeting. Actually don’t do that. Real meetings are full of idiots too.

 

What’s the problem? What am I missing?

 

Angrily,
Let’s Demand Conference Call Training

 

Dear Let’s Demand,
There are two types of people: People who pay attention on conference calls and people who don’t. Unfortunately, both types can end up sounding like idiots on the call, but their intentions are to either impress people or sit quietly and fly under the radar.

 

I, for example, fall into the latter category. You would think that trying to fly under the radar would prevent me from sounding stupid. But no, because occasionally there is something I do need to hear. Or worse, some one will ask me a direct question, like “What time works for you” or “Did you see the schedule”. I don’t have the kind of confidence to say that I don’t know what’s going on because I was trying to remember how to make a cat’s cradle out of some string I found in the trash can. So I say things like “The schedule needs to be reformatted, who can we assign that to” or “This isn’t an issue of time, its an issue of content god dammit”. Both are terrible answers and make me look like a total turd instead of some one who just wasn’t paying attention.

 

I’m afraid one answer is video conferencing. It’s more annoying but keeps people at least looking attentive. Other than that, try more interrupting when annoying people talk and more frequent direct questions to the people you know are playing Solitaire during the call.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

10 Reasons Why it Might Be A Good Idea To Harvest The Organs of Your Friends and Family:

 

1. You can never have too many feet of large intestine.

 

2. Science has recently published some studies about how the appendix might be useful after all.

 

3. If I need a heart transplant, I’d rather have human than pig or monkey. I like pigs and monkeys but I think it would just feel so weird.

 

4. Insert obvious liver joke

 

5. I heard that you can puncture a lung by cracking your back. So I’d like to have a few extras on hand just in case.

 

6. A couple more femurs would make my legs look longer.

 

7. I do not want to wear reading glasses; I’d rather rotate my eyeballs out for a newer pair.

 

8. If I had one more brain I could fill in the math and science the one I currently use lacks.

 

9. I go to the bathroom a lot and another kidney would make me feel less paranoid about the ones I have breaking down.

 

10. I read an article about how gut bacteria may have everything to do with whether or not your fat. I’d like to test that theory with some new guts.

 

I know what you’re thinking, but no, that’s not what it says. The package says Nuts and Snacks. Not Nuts and Sacks. Jeez.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
Call me paranoid, but I think my doctor is a pervert. He makes me take my pants off for every little thing.

 

Sometimes he doesn’t examine my below the belt area, just has me sit there, pantsless, and discuss a mole on my neck for example. I don’t have the guts to say no, and I’m too lazy to change doctors.

 

What does this mean? About me and him? Is this what doctors do, or is he picking up on my laziness and just seeing how much he can humiliate me before I speak up. because the jokes on him: it’s really really far.

 

Signed,
Paranoid About Other Things Too

 

Dear Paranoid,
This is a tricky issue. One one hand, perverts are everywhere. Having a medical degree does not exempt one from using their power to justify deviant behavior. I mean look at Dr. Frankenstein. I don’t think that guy was very ethical. That monster was a bad idea no matter how you look at it. Best case scenario- you’ve got a guy made up with patchwork dead body parts that you have to feed, clothe and entertain.

 

One the other hand, you do usually have to take your clothes off the be examined by a doctor. I haven’t heard of just having to take your pants off though. So you just sit there with your shirt on but your genitals exposed? That’s pretty bizarre.

 

I think at the very least you should ask why he wants your pants off, and explain that you feel uncomfortable. Personally I’d rather be completely naked than have my shirt on but pants off. There is just something so unnatural about that.

 

Readers, please remember: if you feel uncomfortable you should never be afraid to stand up for yourself. If there is a logical explanation, the person shouldn’t hesitate to provide you with it. But probably you’re dealing with a perv.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

Although I’m not a violent person by nature, I can’t stop fantasizing about throwing my coffee cup at my boss’ forehead. Like that scene in Big Lebowski with the sheriff of Malibu?

 

My boss is fine…I mean he’s like any other boss. But when he’s acting like a jerk, I have to actually put my coffee cup down to resist the urge to bounce it off his shiny forehead.

 

What does this mean about me? I’m appalled at my own urges.

 

Yours Truly,
A Drone

 

Dear A Drone,
I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is once you’ve got that visual in your head, it’s no safe longer to drink coffee from a ceramic mug at the work place. Eventually you’ll find yourself actually lifting the coffee cup and feeling it’s heft as you aim it in the direction of your boss. From there it’s a short trip to “battery” or “assault”. And trust me, they never believe you if you try and say it was a joke.

 

The good news is if you start drinking from a paper cup, the urge will quickly dissipate. I don’t know the science behind it, but there’s something about that thick, creamy ceramic that just feels so…bonkable. A paper cup allows you to feel the hot coffee and keeps you focused off your boss’ forehead.

 

Don’t beat yourself up about this though. I know it doesn’t mean you’re inherently violent or lack control of your urges. It just means your boss sucks more than you can admit. It’s not your fault that the Big Lebowski, a truly perfect film in my opinion, provided you with an excellent revenge fantasy.

 

Stay strong, switch to paper.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me