Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

There is something that is upsetting me and I feel the need to discuss my issue with someone of great wisdom and knowledge such as yourself.

 

Lately I have been finding that more men are leaving the toilet seat in the down position after use. In other words they raise it AND lower it back when finished with their timely relief.

 

Now I know that all of us “boys” were taught to do this by our moms, but I am more and more feeling this is a sexist matter. I mean who is to determine good manners? I understand that woman are too precious to soil their dainty little fingers after all of those expensive manicures with toilet seat urine. I get that.

 

And I get that many men take untold pleasure in playing games like submarine and hit the bulls eye while excusing themselves. We all know that those dangerous bathroom games do lead to bad aim here and there which in turn leaves a residue on the seat which is unpleasant should one wish to sit.
And it is even worse when it is a public toilet.

 

BUT all common sense aside: why should a man be required to lift the seat then return it to its original position “in case” a woman should enter and need to sit? I mean why shouldn’t the seat stay up? In china they don’t have toilets and do very well without a seat by using a public trough.

 

I need help in understanding this sexist, wrong, and unfair in a reverse misogynistic way. Good manners no longer apply in our society, so why should we keep bowing to woman when all they do is use us for sex anyway.

 

Please help me Poor Lucky Me…..you are all I have.

 

Faithfully,
Thank you.

 

Dear Thank You,

 

Are you sure the women in your life only use you for sex? Because I suspect that’s more wishful thinking that fact. But that’s neither here nor there. I strongly disagree that good manners no longer apply. In fact, in our world of Snookies and Pat Robertsons, good manners are more important than ever. I understand that you might not frequently encounter people who know which fork is the salad fork and that one should not talk with one’s mouth full, but that works in your favor. Good manners stand out now and make you more interesting to the opposite sex.

 

I know what you thinking: No one ever got laid because they kept their elbows off the table. But it’s more subtle than that. The truth is people with good manners are more likable. They’re more likely not to insult you (to your face), spit food at you, close a door in your face, or fart in the elevator. They’ll probably bring a gift or alcohol to your parties. They may pick up the check at a restaurant once in a while. If you really examine your social circle I bet you’ll find that the fancy-pantsed are more welcomed in your home.

 

Besides, once you say ________ is dead, you’ve given up hope. And nothing spins me into despair quicker than thinking anyone has given up hope.

 

Now, to specifically address the toilet seat. There is a very good reason why men must put the lid down. When you live in a frat house or a bachelor pad it might not be that important. But let’s say you lose your job and have to move back in with your parents. Let’s say your loving mother cooks you meatballs every Sunday and does your laundry- not because she feels sorry for you that you’ve lost your job- but because she loves you. Let’s say you think it’s not your responsibility to put the lid down on the toilet seat, so one night after 8 beers you pee, leave the seat up, and go back to watching Cinemax in the den. Then you hear the sweet pitter patter of your mom’s socked feet coming down the hall on the way to the bathroom. Before you realize what’s happening, you hear a yelp and a splash. You jump up from your chair to find your mother floating in the toilet bowl with a soaking wet night gown and a broken hip. All because you were too much of a lazy asshole to put the seat down for the woman who carried you in her womb for 9 months.

 

Would that make you happy? No, I didn’t think so. Some social niceties are in place for a reason, so suck it up and put the seat down.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

Have you seen the ads for the new McDonald’s Big Mac Snack Wrap? I saw it the other night and have had this really unsettled, vomity feeling ever since.

 

Is this a snack for people who can’t take the time to eat a burger? Or is it for people who can’t afford the actual burger? I just can’t figure out why anyone would create or consume such a thing.

 

Please lend some insight if possible. I can’t sleep.

 

Signed,
Disturbed.

 

Dear Disturbed,

 

The Big Mac Snack Wrap and the Taco Bell Diet both made me feel like I should join a church after all. If these aren’t two of the four horsemen of the apocalypse I’ll be a monkey’s uncle (I was going to say “I’ll be damned” but don’t want to risk it).

 

I was also was tipped off that an evil presence was behind both concepts because the commercials made sense. If a Taco Bell Diet and a burger wrapped in a tortilla make sense to you, you know that you’ve been gripped my the devil. Or his non-religious equivalent.

 

But to answer your question: I think the Snackwrap is targeted towards people who want a calorie dense snack they can eat with one hand. The most important thing about fast food these days is that you can eat it with one hand, keeping the other hand free for driving, surfing the internet, talking on the phone, or smoking. Even the Taco Bell Diet food selection is primarily one handed.

 

I wish I could tell you it’s no big deal; a Big Mac Snackwrap should be personally threatening to you. But this time I think it’s right to feel threatened and scared.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

 

10 Types of Stories That You May Start Telling But I Probably Won’t Finish Listening To (Exceptions Noted):

 

1. Your long detailed dream (unless it was a sex dream involving me)

 

2. Your horoscope or anything about your astrological sign.

 

3. How you are such a superstar and rose to the top of your company in no time (I do however, enjoy stories about failing upwards)

 

4. Anything about “Twilight” or “Harry Potter” (unless it’s “Who the hell cares about Twilight or Harry Potter?”).

 

5. The details of the latest movie you saw/book you read when I haven’t seem/read it and tell you that immediately.

 

6. How your dog likes to ride in the car or how your cat likes to wake you up in the morning. That’s what ALL dogs and cats do people!

 

7. What makes your child’s school exceptional (unless it involves celebrities or fine food in the cafeteria).

 

8. Anything involving the word “episiotomy”.

 

9. The rising or falling value of your home (unless I ever become a homeowner, then I’ll have to reevaluate this point.)

 

10. How sick you are of being hit on by members of the opposite sex. Yes, yes, we get it, you’re hot.

Dear Readers,

 

Please be sure to take a moment to donate any amount you can to the dozens of noteworthy organizations that are trying to aide the people of Haiti.

 

Below you can find Google’s link to support disaster relief in Haiti. Remember that any amount you can donate will help relieve the terrible suffering in Haiti.

 

http://www.google.com/relief/haitiearthquake/

 

Thank you.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

My vision started going after age 45. I can’t read a watch anymore- the numbers are too small and I can’t hold my arm far enough away from my face to see it!

 

Not only am I sad to retire my many fine novelty watches- Mickey Mouse, Bart Simpson, dozens of Swatches- but I also feel nervous about time measurement.

 

I’m not (yet) willing to go Flava Flav, are there any other options for me?

 

Love,
Older But On Time

 

Dear O.B.O.T.,

 

I’m so happy to hear that you’re not willing to wear a full-sized wall clock around you neck. That indicates that while you’re open to creative solutions, you still have your wits about you. Flava Flave’s reality-TV comeback was really dangerous to both our impressionable youth and older loved ones. I had to stop my grampa from having a gold grill made for god’s sake! It’s a cultural sickness.

 

I recommend using your cell phone, a digital watch, or a time piece that speaks the time. You can still wear your novelty watches for fashion, but use a practical method to actually tell time. After all, warm weather doesn’t stop Floridians from wearing their Looney Toons jackets.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

Did you ever wonder if the REAL Communist was Joe McCarthy? I have this book at home called “What Ifs? Of American History” and there’s an essay in it about how maybe all that anti-communist hysteria was drummed up to help the Russians keep the Cold War going. It got me thinking…

 

Maybe Sarah Palin is really a hippie Rhodes Scholar who loves peace and the wilderness?

 

Yours,
Hoping

 

Dear Hoping,
Um, nuh uh. No, sorry.

 

The odds of me becoming President of Russia are higher than Sarah Palin loving peace and wilderness. It’s more likely that I will explode and set off another big bang that will create a new universse than Palin scoring well on the written drivers test, let alone being a Rhodes Scholar. I appreciate your optimism though.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

Why are people consistently such idiots on conference calls? I’ve worked at a lot of places with a lot of different kind of people but one thing is always the same: there is always at least one complete idiot on every conference call.

 

What’s so hard about it? Keep quiet until some one asks a question, then answer said question. You just have to think of it like a real meeting. Actually don’t do that. Real meetings are full of idiots too.

 

What’s the problem? What am I missing?

 

Angrily,
Let’s Demand Conference Call Training

 

Dear Let’s Demand,
There are two types of people: People who pay attention on conference calls and people who don’t. Unfortunately, both types can end up sounding like idiots on the call, but their intentions are to either impress people or sit quietly and fly under the radar.

 

I, for example, fall into the latter category. You would think that trying to fly under the radar would prevent me from sounding stupid. But no, because occasionally there is something I do need to hear. Or worse, some one will ask me a direct question, like “What time works for you” or “Did you see the schedule”. I don’t have the kind of confidence to say that I don’t know what’s going on because I was trying to remember how to make a cat’s cradle out of some string I found in the trash can. So I say things like “The schedule needs to be reformatted, who can we assign that to” or “This isn’t an issue of time, its an issue of content god dammit”. Both are terrible answers and make me look like a total turd instead of some one who just wasn’t paying attention.

 

I’m afraid one answer is video conferencing. It’s more annoying but keeps people at least looking attentive. Other than that, try more interrupting when annoying people talk and more frequent direct questions to the people you know are playing Solitaire during the call.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

10 Reasons Why it Might Be A Good Idea To Harvest The Organs of Your Friends and Family:

 

1. You can never have too many feet of large intestine.

 

2. Science has recently published some studies about how the appendix might be useful after all.

 

3. If I need a heart transplant, I’d rather have human than pig or monkey. I like pigs and monkeys but I think it would just feel so weird.

 

4. Insert obvious liver joke

 

5. I heard that you can puncture a lung by cracking your back. So I’d like to have a few extras on hand just in case.

 

6. A couple more femurs would make my legs look longer.

 

7. I do not want to wear reading glasses; I’d rather rotate my eyeballs out for a newer pair.

 

8. If I had one more brain I could fill in the math and science the one I currently use lacks.

 

9. I go to the bathroom a lot and another kidney would make me feel less paranoid about the ones I have breaking down.

 

10. I read an article about how gut bacteria may have everything to do with whether or not your fat. I’d like to test that theory with some new guts.

 

I know what you’re thinking, but no, that’s not what it says. The package says Nuts and Snacks. Not Nuts and Sacks. Jeez.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
Call me paranoid, but I think my doctor is a pervert. He makes me take my pants off for every little thing.

 

Sometimes he doesn’t examine my below the belt area, just has me sit there, pantsless, and discuss a mole on my neck for example. I don’t have the guts to say no, and I’m too lazy to change doctors.

 

What does this mean? About me and him? Is this what doctors do, or is he picking up on my laziness and just seeing how much he can humiliate me before I speak up. because the jokes on him: it’s really really far.

 

Signed,
Paranoid About Other Things Too

 

Dear Paranoid,
This is a tricky issue. One one hand, perverts are everywhere. Having a medical degree does not exempt one from using their power to justify deviant behavior. I mean look at Dr. Frankenstein. I don’t think that guy was very ethical. That monster was a bad idea no matter how you look at it. Best case scenario- you’ve got a guy made up with patchwork dead body parts that you have to feed, clothe and entertain.

 

One the other hand, you do usually have to take your clothes off the be examined by a doctor. I haven’t heard of just having to take your pants off though. So you just sit there with your shirt on but your genitals exposed? That’s pretty bizarre.

 

I think at the very least you should ask why he wants your pants off, and explain that you feel uncomfortable. Personally I’d rather be completely naked than have my shirt on but pants off. There is just something so unnatural about that.

 

Readers, please remember: if you feel uncomfortable you should never be afraid to stand up for yourself. If there is a logical explanation, the person shouldn’t hesitate to provide you with it. But probably you’re dealing with a perv.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me