Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

My roommate and I get along really well. We’ve lived together for 4 years and it’s worked so well because she does the dishes (which I hate) and I do the laundry (which she hates). The problem is lately I’ve started really REALLY hating the laundry.

 

Do you think it’s cheating if I send the laundry out? My dry cleaner does it for like $2 a pound and I’ll pay for it.

 

I guess I hate doing the dishes and doing the laundry.

 

Signed,
I’m Beginning to Think I’m Lazy

 

Dear I.B.T.T.I.L.,
Maybe laziness doesn’t have to be measured by one’s enthusiasm for chores. My shower looks like a science experiment gone awry but I don’t think that makes me lazy. Cleaning sucks and isn’t satisfying because you have to do it so regularly.

 

What makes me lazy is when I drop the clicker behind the couch but don’t want to reach for it so I keep watching “How It’s Made: Baseball Gloves” for another 90 minutes. Or when I have soup for dinner and don’t microwave it long enough and just eat it cold instead of standing up and walking back into the kitchen with it. Or when I use a fine pointed sharpie to alter the date on my Jiffy Lube windshield sticker so my roommate thinks I’m taking the car to get regular oil changes. Actually that one falls into the laziness and deception category, and I hate liars, so maybe I’ll get the oil changed after all. Eventually.

 

The point is, you’ve come up with a win-win solution. You and your roommate have clean clothes, and you don’t have to do the laundry. I think it’s genius, well done.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

 

 

This is a photograph of a piece of art I wanted but was too cheap to buy. I think it is a famous piece of art. If I owned it I would put it above a grand fireplace in my library.

 

Sometimes you don’t want art that is all representative-y, you just want a portrait of a really cultured and wealthy dog.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
People keep mistaking me for the actress Calista Flockhart. I’m sure she’s a really great person, but I’m still pretty insulted.

 

Alley McBeal was a stupid show and Flockhart’s claim to fame (as far as I can remember) was being grossly skinny.

 

What can I say to people when they tell me I look like her, and how can I find out if I really DO look like her?

 

Regards,
My Self Esteem is Taking a Beating

 

Dear My Self Esteem,
I don’t know, I mean looking like Calista Flockhart is better than Rachael Zoe or Paul Giamatti. People just say that kind of stuff because they don’t know how to make conversation they think that’s interesting.

 

Your come backs should vary between (depending on the situation):

 

“I AM Calista Flockhart”

 

“I actually had my face surgically altered to look like Calista Flockhart”

 

“No, Calista Flockhart looks like ME”

 

It’s important not to back down. Insist that you’re telling the truth until the person feels uncomfortable and changes the subject or asks for your autograph. If they don’t change the subject fast enough, look around frantically and say “I’m being followed by paparazzi!” then push them out of the way and rush out of the room.

 

You’ll find out if you really do look like her based on people’s reactions to the statements above. If you have to really work to get the person to believe you, then you don’t look like that much like Ally McBeal. You’ll probably just thin and quirky. There’s nothing wrong with that.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

My boyfriend and I live in a high rise apartment building across from two other high rise apartment buildings. I have purchased a pair of binoculars and spend a lot of my free time looking into people’s windows.

 

My question is two fold:

 

1. Do you think, as my boyfriend does, that this is “wrong”? As in immoral?

 

2. Do you think so many people do things in the nude because they know people like me are watching them?

 

Thanks in advance for weighing in.

 

Signed,
Nudist By Proxy

 

Dear N.B.P.,
First of all let me say I envy you. One of life’s greatest pleasures lies in spying on people in high rises with a pair of binoculars. However, finding joy in such an activity does not address the morality behind it. And I’m afraid we are about to enter slippery slope territory.

 

A word on the slippery slope: This term is most often used by extremists, douche bags, and high school teachers who didn’t like me. The implication is that doing something seemingly innocuous lowers the threshhold of what they would find acceptable and normal. Like allowing gay people to get married is a slippery slope to letting cats and dogs get married. But normal people know that’s really not how the world works. Most human beings understand the intricacies of moral theory versus the practicality of politics. Recognizing alternative marriages will lead to redefining what is normal and acceptable; it does not mean that Vera Wang will be coming out with a wedding line next summer call The Purrrfect Day or Ruffmantic Evenings.

 

The point is, it’s ok to spy on your high rise neighbors who have their blinds and curtains open. It’s not ok to spy on your neighbors if you live in a single family home, if you have to use a ladder, or if they have repeated asked you not to.

 

As to whether or not people are doing things in the nude because you’re watching, the answer is yes. That’s why I do naked push ups in my living room with all the blinds open.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Top Ten Most Awkwardly Slutty Halloween Costumes Seen by the Poor Lucky Me Team Last Weekend:

 

1. Slutty Bee
Bees are not sexy. They’re not even friendly. They are threatening and terrifying. They chase you around and sting you when you’re just trying to have a good time at the park.

 

2. Slutty Pirate
Pirates are really too dirty to be considered slutty. Plus, eye patches aren’t really a turn on, they’re more of a medical or warfaring necessity. That’s just my opinion though.

 

3. Slutty Teddy Bear
I disapprove of all child related sexiness. A teddy bear should be sweet, snuggly, or comforting, but never sexy.

 

4. General Slutty Person
This costume is for people who don’t feel like coming up with a costume, but don’t want to miss out on an opportunity to ho it out on Halloween.

 

5. Slutty Clown
Everything is wrong with a sexy clown. Face paint: not sexy. Child related thing: not sexy. Giant clown shoes: not sexy. Etc.

 

6. Slutty Angel
What’s the point of being a slutty angel? It makes you look like you’re unclear on the concept of angels. Slutty devil is a much better costume, because devils are probably way more uninhibited.

 

7. Slutty Prison Guard
Like clowns and pirates, there is really nothing sexually alluring about a prison guard. People aren’t like “Ooooo ummmm it’s so hot how you deliver food trays to people in solitary confinement. Ooooo yea work that big set of keys…”

 

8. Slutty Baby
Horrifying.

 

9. Slutty Gold Digger
Disrespectful to chaste gold diggers.

 

10. Slutty Construction Worker
Getting turned on by a slutty construction worker may indicate that you are a repressed homosexual.

 

This is one of my favorite songs, and I’m so happy to have found a Sims animated video to go along with it. Kudos to young people and nerds who are able to enhance our artistic experiences. I’m not entirely clear on what Sims is, but the important thing is that some one made a kick ass video for this kick ass song.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

So what’s your stance on a Halloween costume?

 

I mean I’m 38 years old, and everyone in my office is acting like I’m a complete turd because I don’t want to dress up.

 

Here’s news: I like my regular clothes. I don’t want to dress up like a One Night Stand or a Dirty Martini. I just want to dress up as Jeff.

 

Signed,
Jeff

 

Dear Jeff,

 

I’m on your side, I don’t want to dress up either. Although to be honest, my reason is a little different.

 

The truth is I think I’m quite the creative, do-it-yourselfer. I take great pride in my handwriting, my doodles, my fine motor skills. Halloween is the time of year where a person with creative skills might be exposed as lazy or uninspired. The rest of the year you can be like “Oh yea I can’t go out tonight because I’m right in the middle of painting/sculpting/knitting/cutting mosaic tiles/baking cakes/sewing curtains and I don’t want to lose my artistic momentum.” People are impressed if you have hobbies and even if you just have art supplies slobbed all over your apartment that still counts as being creative.

 

But in your case, I think you should just be the I’m-so-enthusiastic-about-your-costume-that-I-can’t-even-dress-up guy. Ram enthusiasm down people’s throats. Ask them 500,000 questions about what they’re wearing, then say you have to go to the bathroom.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

After receiving a large number of encouraging and outraged emails, I decided to try and watch a few movies on my list. Last night I was happy to discover “Milk” was playing on HBO so decided to go for it.

 

Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I thought the acting was incredible and the cinematography made the movie so intense and real.

 

The bad news is…well…there was just so much talking and seriousness. I only got through about ten minutes, then i had to switch back to Simpsons reruns.

 

Maybe I’ll try again soon. Like maybe on a Saturday when I can’t get off the couch I’ll check it out again. I’ll switch the channel to HBO then throw the clicker across the room so I can’t get up and change the channel.

 

I’m pretty sure that if I wasn’t so used to doing at least three things at all times I would be a better movie watcher. But when you have so much entertainment at your finger tips, it’s hard not to watch TV, play scrabble, and check your email all at the same time.

 

Next on my list: Last Tango in Paris.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

 

I always feel I’m about to be fired. Is this normal or perhaps an indication that I actually AM about to be fired.

 

In this post-modern world where no one actually makes anything and all our skills are ambiguous mental skills who actually knows my worth as an employee?

 

Also, I say the stupidest things in my yearly reviews, and I’m about to have another one. If I were my boss I’d fire me.

 

Yours Truly,
I Hope My Boss Doesn’t See This

 

Dear I Hope My Boss Doesn’t See This,

 

I completely understand your worries. You must act fast. First of all, are you really good at looking busy all the time? If not, here are some essentials:

 

a. Furrow your brow at least once and hour

 

b. Move stacks of paper from one side of your desk to the other. Put a pile at your feet on Fridays to look like you’re so busy you don’t even have enough room on your work space.

 

c. CC a lot of people on your emails. That makes you look very important. People are also flattered to be included, even if they pretend to be annoyed.

 

d. Find a couple of blogs that are pertinent to your industry. Quote them whenever possible.

 

e. Read the New York Times. People who read the paper don’t get fired.

 

f. Never ever express your fears to your co-workers. Office workers are like piranhas: if they sense a weak member in the group, they attack.

 

I think you’ll be ok if you really set your mind to looking busy. You’re right; without actual skills we are a lost generation of workers. Everyone is funneled through the white collar workforce because so much industry has gone overseas. Economists threaten that soon our white collar jobs will go overseas as well. I’m not too afraid though, because I’ve been watching Survivorman and can easily survive in the wild now.

 

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Ten movies that I feel would make me more sophisticated/ cool if I could watch. This list includes films that are either too violent for my delicate sensibilities, too grown up and therefore suspect of being boring, or too scary for an insomniac such as myself:

 

1. Reservoir Dogs / Inglorious Bastards. If I could watch one, I could watch the other. Unfortunately I cannot watch either.

 

2. Amores Perros. Several people have called warning me to never see this movie. In addition to showing hurt or dead dogs, the IMDB page rates it “R” for violence and gore.

 

3. The Reader. It looks really well acted, but a little on the snoozey side. I mean, the mature side.

 

4. Milk. I love Sean Penn and am very interested in the topic…but it looks like so much talking. They should have cut in a few scenes of Vin Diesel driving around San Francisco to spice this film up.

 

5. The Wrestler. I can’t even look at photographs of Mickey Rourke, let alone watch a whole movie about him getting smashed up.

 

6. No Country for Old Men. Just thinking about that air compressing machine will give me nightmares for a week. It’s like when I found out what drawing and quartering meant.

 

7. Last Tango in Paris. The nudity is intriguing, but there is a lot of slow talking in between. I tried, no dice.

 

8. Braveheart. I saw that scene where they all got arrows shot in their butts. There’s no way it’s going to get less violent after that.

 

9. Requiem for a Dream. I have enough trouble getting through episodes of Intervention.

 

10. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Sorry, but there is too much war and monsters and man love in these movies to keep me interested. And don’t get me wrong, my stance on man-love is pro…but not after hours and hours of monster warfare.