In anticipation of my future status as a celebrity, I’ve decided to adopt the following changes (effective immediately):

1. My signature cocktail will henceforth be a starfruit martini. If one cannot be obtained I will freak out.

2. My signature wardrobe piece will a body suit trims in either ermine or gold thread.

3. My signature hair-do will be a deep widows peak plucked into my hairline. Although my hair style will follow the latest trend, the deep widows peak will remain, reminding people of my awesome power and intelligence.

4. I will use the words whilst, heretofore, whom, thou and thee regardless if I’m doing so in a grammatically correct manner. My usage in fact, will immediately changed the grammatical rules.

5. I will complain loudly about having to do any typical human activities, such as: brushing my teeth, drinking water, using my fingers to type (I’m bitching as I type this), walking, sitting, standing, breathing, and listening to others. As my celebrity status blooms I will find lackeys to do these activities for me.

Thats is all.

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

How do the ads on Facebook know so much about me? It’s freaking me out. They say stuff like “Check out what shoes other 31 year-olds love!!” HOW does it know I’m 31 and that I love shoes?

Signed,
Weirded Out

Dear Weirded Out,
You have to start thinking about Facebook like McCarthyism. Things you did in your past, facts about you, relationships- both familial and interpersonal- are all subject to scrutiny. You can’t change the fact that you joined Facebook- even erasing your account doesn’t guarantee the return of your personal information. It has become a social networking Junta. What you thought was a fun way to keep up with your college friends has taken over. You are forced to adjust to irritating format changes and a constant barrage of stupid applications.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

An Open Letter To The Cab Drivers In Chicago

Dear Cab Drivers,

I know many of you are good people, even conscientious drivers. But in my long experience, the majority of you drive like the wild west meets paparazzi meets driving school for the blind. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

I understand that it has to be challenging to drive for 12 hours at a time, often carting drunk douche bags from bar to bar. I can’t imagine how difficult a Friday or Saturday night shift in Lincoln Park must be. The thing is that I live downtown, and work downtown, and I’m polite and a good tipper and never barf in a cab or anything.

So here’s what I’m asking (and I think it’s a small request):

When I hail a cab after a snow storm, do you think it would be possible to pull up PAST any huge snowbanks? That way I can enter your cab without climbing through a pile of snow. Also, then I wouldn’t be staring at the back of your head thinking of swearwords while you drive me to the eye doctor. Or wherever. I don’t know if the typical cabbie move of pulling up so the passenger door is directly in front of a snow bank is a passive aggressive retaliation for all the bullshit you’ve had to endure last Saturday night, or if you don’t realize it, or what. But my idea is please, please let’s change the way we do things now. Together we can make this city a less annoying place to live.

Also, if it’s not too much to ask, since I’m paying for the gas premium and all, could you stop racing to the red light and slamming on your breaks? If there’s some hidden advantage to driving like that then pardon my complaints. My suspicion though, is that your just wildly sick of driving.
I get it, I sympathize with you. I just want to keep my never-barfing-in-a-cab-record clean.

Thanks a lot.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I was recently at bar for my good friend’s birthday party, and one of her friends who I had taken out on a date about 6 months ago was also in attendance. We had a great time on our date, so I thought, but for some reason we didn’t go on another.

I hadn’t seen her since we went out, and I was trying to strike up some small talk with her about a play I had just seen (she works for the company who produced it) when she abruptly stops our conversation. She puts her hand on my shoulder and says “Look at the person on your left.” I look, it’s my roommate. She continues “that’s who you’re going home with tonight.” I playfully suggest that he’s probably going home with his girlfriend. She says “then look to the person on your right.” Nobody is there. With a snarky look she quips “that’s right,” and snaps her head around and walks away.

I’m left there sort of confused and completely sand-bagged, wondering why this bitch be trippin’. To get one thing out of the way, I definitely was not trying to flirt with her. And for the record, I had treated her to a really nice dinner and a hilarious comedy show on our date.

I may see her again at an upcoming function thrown by our mutual friend. How should I handle any future encounters?

Sincerely,

Wondering Why This Bitch be Trippin’

Dear Wondering,
Based on the follow up encounter you had, it sounds like you dodged a bullet by not calling this ho. “That’s who you’re going home with tonight”? Snap.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

10 Things I Wonder About Chimps:

1. Why can’t they speak English? Or French at least?

2. Aren’t they afraid of their feet and genitals always being exposed? Especially when they’re swinging all around? It seems dangerous.

3. Why do they love smoking cigarettes?

4. What’s the big deal about bananas? I hate bananas.

5. Can they grow out the hair on their head or is it naturally short?

6. They seem to like dressing up when they live with humans, but not in the wild. If you left a bunch of clothes unattended in the wild would chimps naturally wear them?

7. When they’re not eating or sleeping or procreating, do they wish they could read? Or play guitar?

8. If they could fly flight simulators in “Project X” could they learn how to drive cars? I bet they’d be decent drivers.

9. Is there a chimp union in Hollywood? If not, is that something I could get started or would that be seen as exploitative?

10. We all know that chimps are known to wage war. But you don’t often hear about chimp hippies, or chimp love-ins. Is this another media-conspiracy?

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
Ok that’s it. THAT IS IT. I’m officially giving up air travel. The ticket prices are high, the fees are insulting, the airline attendants are mean, and there’s no free food!

So that decision has been made. I won’t budge. The problem is I live in New York City and have to travel frequently for work. usually to DC or Philadelphia, but also frequently to San Francisco. I haven’t looked into it yet, but I suspect the train ride from New York City to California is pretty long.

My boss thinks I’m putting foot down to get out of traveling. Obviously that’s not true. I’m just sick of being mistreated. How can I prove to her that I’m committed to my job without budging on my new stance?
Signed,
Missing Zeppelins

Dear Missing Zeppelins,
I am completely on your side. With email, cell phones, video conferencing and Skype, why should you have to travel for work so much anyway? I understand once or twice a year to put in good face time, but that should be more than sufficient in combination with our modern technology. It’s just so archaic to be slobbing back and forth from airport to airport. What is this, mid-18th century Russia?

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
As an on-the-go American, I cannot tell you how many times I’ve found myself fumbling with a traditional ketchup packet. Where can I squeeze out the condiment? How can I get my large fingers to open the packet?

Thank you Heinz! Now I’ve got an easy open packet with room to dip!

When do you think this will be available for mayonnaise? What other inventions do you see in the future that could improve my non-stationary eating habits?

Signed,
On The Go

Dear On The Go,
Heinz sure is at the forefront of condiment innovation. They’ve come up with this idea only 37 years after the first ketchup packet hit the scene. That is an unsubstantiated historical fact of course but the point is I’m being sarcastic. Anyone who’s been a road trip knows the time for a reinvented ketchup packet is long over due.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,
I get frequent headaches and the only way I can cure them is by smoking cigarettes. Also, I get stomach aches and the only way I can cure them is by smoking cigarettes. Oh, also I get anxious and the only way I can cure that is by smoking cigarettes.

As you can plainly see I’m not a smoker, I just have medical condition that require a nicotine cure. My family and friends won’t get off my back. They act like because I smoke around 20 cigarettes a day I’m just a smoker.

I feel like no one understands me.

Signed,
Natural Cure

Dear Natural Cure,
Your sincerity is notable, but I’m afraid I have to side with you friends and family on this one. What you’re describing reminds me of the story about how Jerry Stahl started smoking crack to get off of heroin. It’s good to try different methods to cure your ailments but maybe you want to stay away from ones that are addictive and probably fatal.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me

Dear Poor Lucky Me,

I’m almost 35 and looking for a big change in my life.

Recently I moved to Tennessee and have gotten more familiar with the debutant culture down here. I love it! It’s so pointlessly lovely. It’s so unnecessarily extravagant!

Am I too old to get in on the debutant thing? I’m willing to diet and take poise and diction classes. I think the wedding dress from my first marriage could come in handy too.

Sincerely,
Nice Day For A Debutant Ball

Dear Nice Day,
Um, gosh. Errr. This is a difficult subject for me to approach objectively. Let’s see, how can I put this? Oh! Here you go…if you want unnecessary extravagance and expensive outfits, why don’t you just join a country club? That way when you come out the other side of what I hope is just a stage in your life, you won’t have a box full of pictures like the one above. Instead, you’ll know how to play golf and tennis.

Sincerely,
Poor Lucky Me